The last word on nerds
[Note: I didn’t really do much here, but I thought this piece was worth preserving—JF]
Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of the Amazon Book Review.
We do, however, heartily endorse Mr. Wilson’s The Bassoon King: My Life in Art, Faith, and Idiocy, his memoir of growing up “bone-numbingly nerdy,” chasing dreams as a young actor in New York, and finding success as The Office’s Assistant (to the) Regional Manager and beet-farmer Dwight Schrute.
Enjoy this exclusive essay.
The last word on nerds
A detailed social hierarchy of some of America’s most over-examined, misunderstood and under-washed populations.
by Rainn Wilson
Everyone needs to seriously shut up about nerds. Except me. And after this essay.
You see, at one point in time at Shorecrest High School in Seattle I was in marching band (Xylophone), Model United Nations (Cuba), Orchestra (Bassoon), Chess Team (4th chair), Debate Club, Pottery Club and Computer Club. That, along with intensive Dungeons and Dragons sessions on weekends and a science fiction book collection, has given me free license to write about dweebs as much as I damn well please.
When I was growing up there was nothing whatsoever cool about being a geek. There were no nerd CEOs or rock stars or Comic-cons or podcasts. There were only oddball losers that regularly got the crap beat out of them while being mercilessly scoffed at by those with good skin. We accepted this in the same way the slaves that built the pyramids did. It was just our lot in life.
People throw around the (grossly overused) terms “nerd”, “dork” and “geek” as if they are catch-all words that apply to any awkward goober with glasses and a comic book collection. The general public is often not aware that not only do the words not have the same definition, there is a hierarchy among this population (similar to clergy, monkeys and Congress) that has never before been documented.
I will attempt, with the exacting precision of a Harvard sociologist (nerd), to define the complexities of this multitude of asocial misfits for your elucidation and reading pleasure.
You see, you well-balanced, sociable types who enjoy, say, Dancing with the Stars, brunch, and talking about the stock market and children, will often miss the subtler details among and between these pimply, variegated subgroups.
Let’s start at the very bottom, shall we?
STINKIES
Anyone unwashed for more than two days or with food in their beard or who obliviously wears the same (Dr. Who, probably) T-shirt they slept in the night or nights before. Dandruff helmets. Bacne.
TWENTY-SIDERS
Role playing gamers sit near the bottom of the food chain because they often socialize only with the pewter elf figurines they’ve obsessively decorated. Plus they carry 20-sided dice in velvet pouches. (Guilty!)
ROOKS
I spent years in this population with my head buried in chess books, learning openings and prognosticating on end games with a posse of unkempt floor-gazers. Hundreds of hours spent mastering a game that any free iPhone chess app can now dominate in in about eight minutes.
GANDALFS
Just an inch above Chess Heads in the loser hierarchy, these are the folk who dress up in plush robes and ornate hats, whether to attend a Renaissance Faire, a comic book convention or a local Denny’s late-night breakfast. They often own staffs, wands and actual swords. They have read The Sword of Shannara in its original Elvish.
CYBORGS
This population is obsessed with obscure technology. They might build their own computers out of chicken wire or disassemble and reassemble analogue reel to reel machines. They will eventually become hoarders and keel over with a motherboard and soldering iron smoking away in their chubby, Cheet-oh dust covered hands.
CTRL+ALT+DELETERS
We all know that computer programmers will eventually make some dough. But before then, they’ll need far too much natural sunlight and breath mints to be placed higher up on this list.
TRONS
Video game addicts. Even within the gamer community there are vast and intricate hierarchies. Playing Call of Duty and shooting your frat buddies exists on a different level than, say, engaging in Massive Multi-player Online Gaming where one is fighting eleven year old Korean kids for magical bone helmets.
BASSOONISTS
Most would put band geeks below video gamers. Not me. The music makers might not drink as much Red Bull, but at least they contribute positively to society. Even if they are off-key for the most part and produce waaaay too much spittle.
CLINTONS
The denizens of the debate team and Model United Nations definitely have questionable social skills and obsessive tendencies, but they often get into Ivy League schools and everyone knows we’ll all eventually work or vote for them. So be nice.
GENIUSES OF THE BAR
You gotta admit – the most honored nerds are the ones in black T-shirts with little apples on the nipple who fix the bugs in your iPhones and laptops with such friendly disdain. Occasional tattoos keep them near the top of the nerd chain.
THE FABULOUS!
At the pinnacle of the dweeb pyramid? Easy. The mascara wearing (of both genders), break-into-song-in-the-hallways, Glee-rerun-watching, jazz-handed, improvisational drama queens! Why? It’s quite simple. There are cute girls and cast parties in this particular dork strata. And the kicker? You can be as awkward as Napoleon Dynamite, but if you can make a drama geek girl laugh, even if she’s outrageously pretty, there is a chance she will someday marry you. Like my wife did.