Count Blood
I worked at Amazon for 20 years and 365 days. Factoring in vacations and hours spent in meetings, that accounts for about 31,500 hours spent compressing the thin foam of a task chair seat while staring at a monitor. A gross estimate for sure, but that’s basically how business works—nobody knows what they’re talking about when making projections or accounting for performance. It’s true.
Regardless, nearly 16 years worth of spreadsheets, Word docs, and generally casting about the same six websites every hour or two leaves plenty of opportunity for boredom and despair. “Getting through the day” becomes a Death March of the Soul where survival hinges on mental retreats to Happy Places and other redoubts of the self.
Enter Count Blood. For just under a week in April 2002 (and one day over a year later), he appeared in the customer comments sections of a vampire mass market paperback and two vampire DVDs, offering his assessments based on these credentials:
My name is Count Blood. My favorite bands are Marlin Manson and Korn, even though they cry alot. I like vampires too cause the live for ever. Drop me a line if you like vampires too! I hate nsinc and the Back Street Boys! Bwa ha ha!
I am Count Blood. These are my reviews.
I, Vampire
All apologies the Michael Romkey, but I did give this book five stars, even if I have not read it. In retrospect, it’s a bit of a tell to add emphasis with asterisks.
![[FIVE STARS] How to manaul for vampires! Reviewed in the United States on April 6, 2002 I like vampires alot, and there are'nt many books that tell it how it is what its like to be a real vampire, but now I know now that Mr. Romkey wrote this book I](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/62476f90ed92563e2be61611/e1161eb2-dc52-4d99-b88b-346227099e6a/Screen+Shot+2022-04-19+at+4.13.47+PM.png)
Nosferatu
The least reliable of Count Blood’s reviews, IMHO.
Interview with the Vampire (motion picture)
Nine people found this helpful! About the redactions: The subject line should read “Tom Cruise is a Huge Dick,” and the alternate movie recommendation was Blade. I’m not a fan of Blade, but otherwise Count Blood’s views on Interview align with my own. What “Tom Cruise does best” is open to interpretation.
The Rule of Four
More than two years passed between Count Blood’s previous review and this, his last to date. It was fun to write and expresses my actual thoughts, but it’s a little bit gross in that it presages the worst of the anonymous internet. It was kind of mean, but still, I’m right.
